


Where the F*ck is My Mind

by phunWorks



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Developing Relationship, Domestic Violence, Drug Addiction, F/M, M/M, Mental Instability, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Overdosing, Past Child Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Smut, diagnosis process
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2019-11-26 12:35:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18180659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phunWorks/pseuds/phunWorks
Summary: Tyler's gone through life comfortably numb, until he meets the one who can actually make him feel.





	1. This Is Where It Started

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna be honest, there's triggering material throughout this story and I don't plan on keeping it this PG all of the time. Just be careful, be safe.

The street was quiet and the day was gone. A low light over the stove was all that illuminated the small one bedroom apartment. The occasional bark of a dog went off in the distance of the large complex, but Tyler paid only minor attention to it. His focus was on the image in front of him. Brain matter spattered all over the wall, removed limbs sprawled out over the blood soaked mattress.... This show was fucking sick and not something he should be watching when he was this high off his ass. He quickly flipped a few channels until he finally landed on South Park. Yep, this is what high Tyler needed. Speaking of high, he'd been smoking for a while in anticipation of his mother arriving but he had yet to hear anyone at the door. He got up from his comfy spot on the bed and walked into the kitchen to the fridge. Tyler's eyes fell on the pint sized liquor bottle in the door. His brain quickly made the decision that this was a good alternative to munchies. He didn't bother with a glass, he didn't care to measure how much he drank. He obsessed over enough without worrying about his drinking habits. A quarter of the pint was gone before he left the kitchen, and soon went down to half a minute after sitting down in the living room. He sat it down on the table and decided coffee was a good idea, so he got up again and poured himself a cup from the pot he'd made earlier. Along with his creamer, he added a "splash" of whiskey, if that's what you refer to two shots as, and sought out a bottle from the medicine cabinet. 

Hydrocodone. There was a time he was terrified of the stuff. Then, after a broken leg and a few pills later, he found out he  _really_ liked not feeling anymore. It had become a problem around the same time he was headed for adulthood. Eventually, his family had caught on, specifically his brother. After he flushed Tyler's pills, he took him to an adolescent NA meeting. The meeting did nothing but prove to Tyler he didn't want to stop. He got more pills and then tried stimulants to "even himself out". By that point, his overwhelmed brother took the issue to their mom. She just went to her husband who took to "beating the weakness out of him". That's when Tyler took off and in that single action lost his immediate family, shelter, easy access to food and -- perhaps more importantly -- his allowance that paid for his drug habit. Fuck everything else, he'd said to himself, all I need is to escape my mind. He was only homeless for a week before his grandma found him and took him in. Tyler remembered, as he stared at the pill now presently in his palm, the night his grandma caught him stealing from her purse. He'd been desperate for a fix after the third episode that day. It was the night he admitted he was an addict and she broke down in his arms. The next day he'd gone to rehab. Stayed clean for a year and got a job. He even "repaired" his relationship with his family. But last year his grandma had died and he took over the apartment's lease. The same one he's in now. The pill slid down his throat with coffee. 

He put the bottle back and made a bowl of ice cream. Ice cream and coffee, it was hell on his ulcer, but so was everything else going into his body. Who gives a shit? That's when his phone rang. Mom. "Hey," he answered simply. She was probably calling to cancel. Just as well, he thought, he didn't feel like company anyway. 

"Hey, I'm not gonna make it over today." See. "But I know taxes are about due, so I'm sending my TA to help you. You remember Josh, right?" Fuck. 

"Yeah," Tyler replies. 

"He should be there within the hour. So clean yourself up. You're a mess." Tyler looked down at himself, taking his repeatedly worn gym shorts and stained white t-shirt into account. He didn't have to get close to his armpit to smell that. "Take care. Bye." With that the call was over. Tyler sat his phone down and drained his coffee into his mouth. He took another swig from the pint and threw his clothes on the ground. He half stumbled into the shower and turned the water on. For three minutes Tyler felt sober again as ice-cold water fell over his bare skin. Three minutes too many, he thought as the water warmed and he continued washing up. He wasn't in for long when he heard knocking on his door. He turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He ran to answer, almost falling over himself the entire time. He battled with the deadbolt for a few seconds and then opened the door. Staring back at him was an old high school classmate, this time with blue hair and gages. And smiling. The Josh he knew rarely ever smiled and made it a point to only hang out with the skater/stoner kids. To be honest, that's about all Tyler knew of him, other than the fact that he was his mom's TA in Finances or whatever the fuck she taught. This guy in front of him had a warm, infectious smile... too bad Tyler was too numb to feel it. He wanted to, but he continued to stare blankly back. 

"Hey," Josh said confidently. "I don't know if you remember me, but I work for your mom at the school. We went to high school together, actually."

"Yeah," Tyler nodded slightly. "I remember you, Josh." They fell silent for a moment. "Come on in," Tyler said finally, stepping out of the way. Josh entered passed him and Tyler caught a whiff of pear scented shampoo. Damn I'm hungry, he thought to himself. "Do you want me to order us some pizza," Tyler asked as he shut and locked his door.

"That'd be great," Josh said over his shoulder. Tyler hadn't noticed the binder in his hand or the laptop bag hanging on his shoulder. He also hadn't noticed how tight Josh's pants were and how nice they shaped his- "Do you still play?" Tyler's eyes popped up at the question and fell on Josh's smile. He was staring at a photo on the wall. It was his old team. He'd made captain for the first time that year. 

Tyler's focus shifted. Briefly, he felt grief, but was numb again in a matter of seconds. "Can't say I do," he answered. He walked over and grabbed his phone. "What do you like on your pizza?" 

"Anything but pineapple."

"Communist."

"What?" Josh turned around.

"Nothing," Tyler responded. "Meatlovers alright then?"

"Yeah, that's fine." Josh walked over to the small two person dining table in the corner of the living room. "Would it be alright if I set up here?"

"Sure." Tyler finished the order and put in his information. As soon as he was done he walked over to the table and sat his phone down. "I'm gonna get dressed real fast and be right out." He didn't wait for a response. He didn't much care for one. He didn't shut his bedroom door but stayed behind the wall for privacy. He quickly slipped on fresh gym shorts and a solid black t-shirt. Before getting to the dining room table he grabbed an allergy pill. He swallowed it with the first glass of water he'd had that day. He didn't want to start itching like a junky in front of someone who was relatively a stranger to him. Once at the table, Josh already had things set up and asked for Tyler's W-2. They continued to work until the pizza showed up and finished before they were done with their slices. While Tyler, like always, was playing through the motions of caring; unlike always, he wasn't always just playing. Throughout their time together, he found himself genuinely laughing and smiling. Two things he hadn't been genuine about since the 10th grade. Tyler ended up pulling out a six pack and the two of them split it. Well, Josh had two and Tyler took care of the rest in less time. They parted after Josh had allowed himself time to "sober up" even though Tyler couldn't imagine the guy had even gotten buzzed. Before he left, they'd exchanged numbers and promised to see each other again. To be honest, Tyler wasn't sure if that would ever actually happen. They lived very different lives and Tyler couldn't imagine Josh wanting him to be a part of his life. 

Tyler didn't think about it any longer than twenty minutes when his phone went off again. It was about 9:30pm, so it could only be one person. 

**Dane: hey, man. i got a couple friends and some fine sustenance. you down?**

**Tyler: My place or yours?**

**Dane: price of my affection is you hosting**

**Tyler: Fair. When?**

**Dane: be there in 10**

They got there in a half hour like Tyler figured they would. The two ladies he'd brought were pure contrasts of one another. One tall, skinny with light-brown silky hair and the other short, with meat on her bones and dyed black hair. Dane's arm was around the taller one, who stood an inch taller than him, and he smacked the other one on the ass to get her into the apartment. The taller girl, who introduced herself as Aleshia laughed alongside Dane. The smaller girl, who Dane introduced as Melissa stared down at the floor. It didn't take a detective to see that these two were both being paid to be here by the way they were dressed. Tyler guessed that Melissa was new to this life, and in a small few second window he felt for her, but that fleeted away and he was numb once more. They spent time drinking and smoking weed. At one point, one of the girls lined up white powder on the coffee table. Each person snorted two lines. When it was Tyler's turn, he noticed it burned his nostrils and sinuses more than he remembered cocaine doing so before. Aleshia enlightened him that it wasn't cocaine, but it was far too late for Tyler to care. Eventually, he took Melissa back to his room. She'd loosened up throughout the night and had been teasing Tyler the entire time. Tyler turned on the vintage stereo in the corner of his room, Melissa moved her body to the smooth beat playing through the system. Her bra seemed to barely cup her large breasts and her tanned smooth skin gleamed in the yellow overhead light. Tyler flipped the switch and his neon lights came on as the overhead light shut off. Damn she looked good in neon. Her thighs where thick and her belly barely went over the band of her black lingerie. The rest of the night went on like you'd imagine.

The next morning, Tyler put a splash of whiskey and creamer in his cup of coffee, shut the lid and slipped into his uniform. Before heading out, he made sure to take a pill there and put another in his pocket for lunch. With that, he was frying burgers in no time at the local "high-end restaurant" down the street. On his break, he went out back with Jenna and smoked a joint, then back to work. On his lunch, he snuck out to the back again with another joint his coworker Jake had given him. His phone beeped.

 **Josh: Hey.**    

Tyler's breath caught in his chest. He wasn't feeling numb this time around. He was feeling nervous now. Fuck, he thought, he liked this guy. Actually liked him. Didn't want to fuck him and leave. Yes, he wanted to fuck him but more than anything wanted to hold him, care for him, protect him and hopefully be treated the same way by him. Tyler had never wanted that before. Not once in his life could he say he'd ever been interested in someone like this. 

**Tyler: Hey**

Josh replies almost instantly. 

**Josh: I was wondering if you wanted to check out a movie with me tonight?**

Like a date? Tyler never came out in high school and sure as hell never came out to his mom. How the hell would he know Tyler was into men? 

**Tyler: What movie?**

**Josh: That new Transformers flick.**

So not the most romantic thing. Probably just wants to chill because he thinks we hit it off, Tyler thought. He couldn't deny, he thought the same thing. 

**Tyler: I'm game.**

**Josh: sick. 7pm Regal on 8th**

**Tyler: sick**

With that, Tyler put his phone in his pocket and smoked. At some point he pulled out his half empty flask to wash down his pill. Same as any other work day. Only benefit was that this time he had weed. Soon, he was back in the kitchen at the grill. Burgers, hotdogs, pull pork, steak and salmon. Over and over again. Same thing. A few rare, some medium rare, a lot medium. Same thing every single work day. There was nothing exciting or fulfilling about his job. It was easy, it was repetitive and he didn't have to do a drug test. Sure, after rehab he'd quit narcotics but neglected to give up the devil's lettuce. It wasn't the same and a completely different kind of high. Smoking helped his anxiety and depression that had gotten worse due to narcos. During sobriety, pot was his savior. Seemed redundant to just pick up another drug habit, but he could always do without weed. It wasn't quite the same. Another thing that wasn't quite the same was Josh. For the first time in a long time, Tyler was looking forward to something that wasn't his next fix.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some plans for this one. Comment and offer feedback if you feel inclined. Just looking to improve.


	2. Sip the Antidote 'til I'm Fixed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to get this out a lot earlier, but with the family time, stoned out of my mind time and more family time; the weekend did not favor my productivity.

**(Four months later)**

 

The living room was illuminated by the florescent bulbs in the kitchen, leaving the majority of the living room in shadows. This was very comfortable for Tyler, especially considering he'd been having constant headaches for the past three weeks. They'd finally eased and his body aches were now manageable. He wished he could say that his motivation to quit opioids was his health. Hell, he wished he could say it was even Josh's recent influence on his life, but it wasn't. The fact is, his doctor had their license taken away (for obvious reasons) and Tyler didn't have as easy of access to the drug. To be honest, the only way he'd have a chance of getting a similar high is by going into street drugs. Specifically heroine. The stuff scared Tyler and Tyler didn't scare easy and never without reason. In the past four months, like everyone else Tyler knew outside of work, Dane had taken to the drug. He'd brought it over last month, offered Tyler a hit, and Tyler told him he'd pass. That night Dane choked on his vomit while he was on his back and unconscious. Tyler turned him over in time, just barely, and tried to help Dane clear his airways. Tyler didn't scare easy, but he's seen how every friend that's gone to the needle has been shaped and warped by the drug. He didn't scare easy, but today had found himself thinking about a drug he'd never taken part in. Today, he found himself trembling throughout his body. Today, he couldn't catch his breath despite only sitting in this one spot on the couch. Anxiety. That's why he'd gone to opioids in this first place. He couldn't be anxious _and_ numb. That isn't an option, he tells himself over and over. He puts his hands back to work, packing a bowl for a bong already filled and ready to go. It's not long before half of the bowl has been smoked and there's a knock at his door. 

Tyler doesn't necessarily care that weed's out when he answers. He has yet to do anything openly enough to bring the cops around. Josh is revealed as Tyler pulls on the chipped green door. "Hey. I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd swing by." 

Tyler couldn't help but smile like a jackass. The feelings in his chest enhanced by the more euphoric experience of weed, or maybe he just really felt like this. Without his emotions dulled, these thoughts and emotions have been overwhelming. And fuck, Tyler was overwhelmed. Josh must've caught on because he shot Tyler a worried looked. Tyler chuckled, "Sorry, sorry. I'm a little stoned. Come on in," he said with a wave of his hand. He stepped to the side to let Josh in. That's when he noticed the grocery bag. "Doing a little shopping?" 

Josh looked down at his hand and back up at Tyler with that amazing full smile. Comfort overcame Tyler in that moment, every muscle loosening and he felt transparent in that moment. "Yeah, I, uh, I got you something," Josh said. He had a gleam in his eye that caught Tyler's attention. He took a step further, getting a little close to Josh's personal space but not invading by any means. He didn't want to make Josh uncomfortable, he just needed to be closer to him. Josh pulled out a Redbull and Tyler's favorite pack of cigarettes. Tyler wasn't a heavy smoker, it'd take him at least three months to finish that pack if he smoked it by himself. However, they also happened to be Josh's favorites and he would buy them when he wanted to kick back with Tyler for a bit. Josh had been coming over more and more often, usually at least once a day, and they'd gotten to know a bit about each other. Josh was a going to school to be a teacher and he was enjoying his dyed hair and gauged ears while he could. He was a year older and had moved here with his mother his junior year of high school. Tyler found that funny since that was his first year there, too, and they hadn't even spoken to each other that year. Tyler really hadn't divulged any information that most people didn't already know. Almost everyone from school knew about how he turned down the scholarship of a lifetime. Almost no one actually knew why. They'd all speculated of course, but it turned out Josh hadn't. Josh actually had told Tyler that as much of a backbreaker as his mother was, Josh could understand why Tyler didn't want to continue school. They often talked about their mothers. Both of them had strained relationships. Tyler knew his reasons, in and out, but -- like he'd been elusive about those reasons with Josh -- his friend beat around the bush constantly about details. Tyler never pushed and never planned on doing so. And, in return, Josh didn't push back. "Earth to Tyler," Josh said suddenly. Tyler blinked up at him. He didn't mean to get that lost in thought. "You good?" Josh laughed.

Tyler laughed along, trying to hide his embarrassment, and moved to take the items from Josh with a small 'thank you'. Impulsively, Tyler slightly grazed Josh's hand as he took them, and then broke contact. He heard Josh's breath catch for a moment and he looked momentarily flustered. Tyler almost took the opportunity to make a move, but decided to back down considering he knew how bad Josh's anxiety could get. He took a step back and opened the drink in his hand. He sat back down on the couch and offered the bowl to Josh who- took it? He never accepts Tyler's offer, every single time he politely declines and says, "Maybe next time." Guess he meant it, Tyler thought. Not only did he accept it, he took that hit like a pro. Tyler had never been so turned on in his life as in this moment. "How was work last night," Tyler asked before he took a hit. 

"Not bad," he sighed. "Same old jackass came into the bar and did his normal shit. Other than that, it was fine." Josh was on summer vacation, his last one before he finally graduated, and had gotten a job to start paying off some his student loans. 

"I'm gonna go to your shift with you tonight. Fucker shows up, I'll take him out back," Tyler stated without leaking any emotion into his voice. 

Josh laughed, "Calm down there killer, I got this one." Did he not think he was serious? Regardless, Tyler loved that laugh. Josh took another hit and spoke as smoke exited his mouth and nose, "Besides, I can't have you going to jail. I can't guarantee I can wait for you," he (joked?) with a wink. He winked. Fuck. He winked. 

Tyler was fighting hard against his urge to jump the blue-haired boy's bones. What was he waiting for? It at least seemed as though Josh could be interested. Up to this point Tyler had been telling himself he couldn't risk his mom finding out, but he was done being her TA after the last semester, so Tyler couldn't even really use that. Why couldn't he just ask? That was simple, he knew there was no way he was worth Josh's time, let alone did Tyler have a right to date him. Again, Tyler did nothing to act on his desires. They went about their time as usual until Josh went to work. Tyler cursed himself for not making a move even though he knew he shouldn't. Josh was going places, he'd just bring Josh down with him. Tyler was well aware he was a toxic anchor and had no right to seek or expect commitment. 

 

That night, Tyler opted to drink, as per his usual. After finishing a fifth and a few beers, instead of staying home and playing Mario Kart, he began his journey to the Sidewinder bar/club Josh worked at. Also known as the local LGBT party joint. This was going to be a journey due to Tyler not driving. Normally, he wouldn't care but he didn't want Josh upset with him. By the time Tyler got there, it was an hour until close, and the crowd had thinned. Not to say there weren't a lot of people here, but it was usually packed to capacity. He quickly spotted Josh behind the bar mixing something too fancy for Tyler's taste. He walked up to the bar with a smile, "Hey," he raised his voice slightly to be heard. 

Josh looked up and beamed when their eyes met. Tyler had that funny feeling in his chest, again. Most people felt those feelings in their gut is what Tyler had been told. When he asked his cousin why he had been different, she told him he was broken and couldn't love. He was fifteen and felt like a child because it actually messed with him. Everyone else thought it was comical and laughed. After that they gave him the nickname, 'BEN' due to a panick attack (that they also laughed at) and they all said Tyler had literally "lost his mind". Being called BEN was a very inside joke because Treasure Planet had been playing on the tv at the time. BEN was the insane robot that "fucked everything up", they told Tyler he fit that description, too. 

"How's your shift going?"

"Fine," Josh answered. "G'me a sec and I'll make you a drink." Tyler nodded in response and gazed around the establishment. The dance floor on the other side was still bumpin and half naked waiters and waitresses made it all even better. The multi-colored lighting enhanced the sweat of everyone dancing. Meanwhile, on this side, most people were sitting and passing out by this point. A few stools down, a man in a ball cap was staring at Josh's ass as he served an older man on the far end. Tyler couldn't blame him, but couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy all the same. His attention was stolen at the sound of another man whistling at Josh as he approached the bar. Yes, Josh is sexy as hell, but it's not even like he's dressed provocatively, so why the fuck are all of these men slobbering? He wasn't much better, he decided, and attempted to let it go. 

Josh walked right passed the man who'd whistled without offering him a glance and approached Tyler with a drink. The drink was light blue and had a straw with cherries. Tyler furrowed his eyebrows in confusion wondering what gave Josh the implication he'd ever ask for something like this. "Alcohol is better when it tastes good. Even men can enjoy the taste of liquor," Josh said over the noise. 

Tyler smiled in response, "I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to," Josh countered. When Tyler kept staring at him, he could've sworn he saw Josh blush. "Just drink it."

"Yes, sir," Tyler answered. He took a drink and couldn't deny it was pretty damn good. "Alright, you got me," he admitted with a slight chuckle.

Josh smiled, "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Tyler said with a laugh. 

Josh looked nervous for a minute before opening his mouth again to speak. "Hey, Tyler-" 

"BARTENDER!" The man who'd whistled approached the two with heavy strides until he stood right next to Tyler. All of his focus was on Josh, though, barely offering Tyler a glance. He was in a blue button down and light tan cargo pants. His hair was cut nice and fair, he also had piercing blue eyes that gave Tyler a terrible feeling. "You can't even fucking answer me?" 

"I'm not a dog, sir," Josh said calmly. "Don't whistle at me like I'm your bitch." There wasn't a trace of anger in his words, but they were stern and left no room for more disrespect. Tyler loved it.

The man's face became unreadable, his eyes unwavering from Josh's. Josh never even blinked. Whoever this guy was didn't matter, he did an about-face and walked toward the exit. Tyler turned back around to look at Josh who was taking deep breaths. "Hey, are you good?"

Josh nodded. "Yeah," he said in between breaths. When he was done, he continued. "I've gotten a lot better, but my anxiety used to be pretty bad." 

"I get that," Tyler said in a low voice. Josh might've heard it, Tyler didn't know or care, he didn't mean to say it aloud but it wasn't like he just shared his deepest secrets. "You closing?"

"Nah," Josh stood now that he was better composed. "I'm covering Shelly's break, she should be back anytime now." 

"So, what you're saying is I should chug this so I can take you outta here," Tyler inquired playfully. Josh laughed. This was it right here, he could either play along like it's a joke or finally be straight up. His chest tightened and his breath became weight to him. He was so thankful he was drunk, otherwise this would be even worse. Tyler took a drink and leaned on the bar closer to Josh. Their faces were inches apart. "What would you say," he started and brought his eyes up to Josh's, "if I told you I wasn't kidding?" 

Josh's eyes displayed confusion for a second, followed but revelation and shock. His jaw dropped slightly until he began chewing on his bottom lip. "You better not be messing with me, Tyler," he said finally. "I can only handle one anxiety attack within a three minute span." 

Tyler leaned in closer and focused his eyes that much more on Josh's, showing him in every way Tyler knew how to display, he was being serious. "Does it look like I'm messing with you," his voice came out more provocative that he originally intended, but fuck it, it worked. Josh's head shook slightly. A girl walked behind the bar and Josh, Tyler assumed it was Shelly because she went straight to the nearest customer. "You wanna get out of here?"

Josh was silent for a moment and then he smiled, "Yeah. Yeah, I do." Tyler couldn't help but smile back like an idiot, his tough/forward guy persona disappearing entirely. His walls were down, actually down, for the first time Tyler can remember it happening. It scared the hell out of him but gave him a rush all at once. He decided this was a good feeling and he wanted more of it. Could he handle it? Could he keep it? Tyler wasn't sure, he just wanted tonight. This might be worth the risk, he decided.


	3. I Know That I Won't Be Missed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did someone say smut???

The taxi dropped them off at Tyler's at around 3:40am, where Josh handled the keys because Tyler was fumbling with them too much. While he appreciated it, it did scare Tyler that he was already barely focused. He'd done alright in the ride over, being completely consumed by Josh's hand on his thigh and his lips the other boy's neck. They got inside and barely shut the door before their hands were all over each other. Tyler could barely breathe while his lips smashed against Josh's. They were hungry for this in ways they'd never admitted before. Now they were free to have this. Josh moved to Tyler's neck, who couldn't suppress the slight moan that escaped him. Tyler felt Josh's erection on his thigh, but he couldn't feel any activity in his own. Fuck, he thought. He knew he drank too much. Wait. "J-josh," he breathed. "I need to go use the bathroom real fast." 

Josh broke away, "You okay?"

"Yeah," he nodded for effect. "Just wanna freshen up a bit for you." He wasn't completely lying. 

Josh nodded, "Alright, hurry back." Tyler nodded and stepped into the bathroom. He turned on the sink and swished mouthwash. Once he spit it out he palmed himself to see if he could get it going. He kept the water on in fear of being embarrassed. After not getting enough of a response, Tyler reached into the empty cologne bottle and pulled out the white powder Melissa had brought over. Now that Tyler really looked at it, it wasn't really powder. He'd had cum harder than ever before that night with Melissa, and since. There was nothing special about that experience, though, outside of the tiny crystals Tyler was lining up with a business card on the counter. There was only enough for a line, but that should be fine, he thought. He put the card back in his wallet and pulled out a bill. Hastily he rolled it and snorted the line. Immediately he felt the kick in his sinuses, all around his eyes, and a painful burn in his nose. Within seconds, he felt great. Any trace of insecurity and anxiety vanquished from his psyche. He splashed water on his face and it felt amazing. And he looked amazing, despite not having shaved in a few days. He was amazing and there was an amazing, hot fucking guy in his living room waiting for Tyler to fuck him. Jesus Christ, this was fucking amazing! 

With that, he was out of the bathroom and didn't waste any time pressing himself against Josh and guiding him down to the couch. The other man wrapped his legs around Tyler's waist. Pressing against Josh, even through clothes, set Tyler's urges into hyperdrive. Suddenly, his gentleness turned into heated passion and desperation for more. He could've sworn he heard a tear when he swiftly moved his shirt over his head. Once his shirt was gone he tore open Josh's button up. He didn't have an under shirt and this turned him on even more. His fingers traced over one nipple, while the other was being stimulated by his tongue. Josh was squirming and losing it beneath him, panting and moaning as quietly as he could. He was losing control. Tyler was, too, as he undid Josh's belt and black jeans. 

Josh put a hand on Tyler's, almost as if fo stop him, but seemed to change his mind when he took it off. Tyler wasn't going to question it, not with how fucking hard he was right now. Tyler slid Josh's pants down his legs, taking his socks off at the same time. Tyler kicked off his shoes and socks, then pulled his pants down. Tyler was enjoying himself, but he stopped to ask if Josh wanted to go to the bedroom. Josh agreed and pulled a condom from his jeans on the floor. Tyler didn't say anything, if that was a stipulation to get off, fuck it. Lying on his back, propped up on his elbows, Josh crawled above him. Feeling Josh's fingers trace his bare skin down from his chest to just under his waist band almost made Tyler slightly buck his hips, desperate for the same sensation to be on his penis. Josh teased and slowly complied. Josh's fingers grazed the tip first, sending a wave of electricity through Tyler's nerves. By the time Josh's hand wrapped around his throbbing member, Tyler was in pain. Josh began steadily moving his hand up and down Tyler. The pressure was being released and building up all at once. The blue haired bartender disappeared from above Tyler and sunk down to his waist. Erection free from his boxers that were now around his thighs, Josh took Tyler in his mouth. Tyler involuntarily bucked his hips upwards the moment Josh's tongue began tracing the tip. Josh gagged a little, but then moved up and down, almost causing Tyler to do it again. He was fighting so fucking hard not to do it, again. Tyler looked down when he felt his boxers sliding further down his legs. Josh pulled them off and removed his own, revealing his full erection. Josh positioned himself above Tyler, but turned so his ass was at Tyler's face, who quickly went to work. With one hand, he lubricated his fingers with his mouth, and inserted his index into Josh. And with the other hand he reached around to jerk the other man off. Josh's mouth was around Tyler again, his tip hitting the back of Josh's throat. 

Josh let out a sharp moan and moved forward so Tyler couldn't continue. When Josh rotated, he guided himself onto Tyler until he couldn't anymore. Slowly he moved himself, then faster, and when he seemed pretty comfortable, Tyler began thrusting. The build up was becoming too fucking much and Tyler knew he didn't have much longer. While thrusting, he wrapped his hand around Josh's dick and jerked him off steadily. Josh began moaning so loud there was no way in hell Tyler's neighbors couldn't hear. Josh's ass became tight, screaming Tyler's name, warm liquid hit Tyler's stomach. That was it, Tyler felt every muscle in his body tighten as he felt himself cum into the condom Josh had sneaked on without Tyler realizing. 

 

Tyler didn't sleep for almost two days. When Josh did, Tyler would usually go find something to do for a bit, smoke some weed, then wake Josh up for more sex. It was Josh's weekend and Tyler just called in, so it worked out great. Once Tyler fell asleep, he stayed that way for twelve hours and woke up to an empty apartment. Josh would come over like he'd always been, but now the two's activities consisted of intercourse and fast food. A month had passed like that before the conversation Tyler had been dreading came up. "Tyler, what are we?" Truthfully, Tyler didn't really know. He knew what he wanted... but he also knew what he deserved and what they had fell between those two things. Throughout the month he'd kept contact with Melissa to keep scoring crystal here and there. He wasn't doing much, only a couple times a week, and in between that he was drinking and smoking weed  _a lot_. His cigarette habit had picked up just the same. That stuff wasn't what he'd been so guilty of, even though he did keep it secret from Josh. Meeting Melissa meant scoring a deal for a reason. Now, Tyler was the whore. If she liked it, he got a deal. If he put his all into it, sometimes he'd just get some for free. While the two men had never discussed their status, Tyler was afraid Josh would still see him as unfaithful. "Alright, let me rephrase that question," Josh said when the other was visibly a deer in headlights. "Okay," he said before taking a deep breath. He was trying so hard to keep his anxiety in check and Tyler was amazed at seeing him over come it. Tyler wished he could say the same. "Where do we want this to go," he asked and then quickly added, "Be-because I know how I feel about you. I know I care for you more than just a fling, but if you didn't want to be exclusively together then, then I-I would be okay with that...." He began taking deep breaths, trying to clear out some anxiety, and Tyler wanted to comfort him. He couldn't, though. That would send the wrong signal, wouldn't it? 

"Why are you freaking out about this," Tyler asked. He moved his hands from behind his head to resting on his bare chest, no longer in a casual atmosphere made his anxiety return. A few lines would be great right now, he thought. "I mean, we," he struggled to find the words, "we have it pretty good right now, don't we?" 

Josh's breath steadied a little too quickly, and the words that came out were laced with pain, "You don't want to be more?" Josh's eyes magnified under unshed tears. 

Tyler wanted to beat his own ass. "Not- not, yet, I-" He cut himself off, looking around his wreck of a bedroom for some kind of escape. They'd been under a single sheet together for about an hour watching Drug Inc., and Tyler had been learning a lot. Fuck it, he decided, be honest. "I haven't exactly been... I haven't been faithful from the start-"

"That's fine," Josh said. "We hadn't established anything, yet." 

That's when Tyler knew he was only using that as an excuse. There's was no way he could admit that to Josh, though. "I haven't been to your place. Hell, I'm not even sure where you live when you're not on campus." 

"Because I didn't know what we were," Josh countered. 

Tyler couldn't deal with this right now. "Look, I said not right now. Maybe down the road, but for now this is all I want."

Josh sat up, his elbows on his knees. His bare back had a dark bruise just below his right shoulder blade. Tyler would've asked, but this didn't seem like the time to. "Well, I don't know how much long I can do _this_."  

"You can't fish for honesty by lying to me," Tyler said and sat up next to him. "You told me we could also keep on like this-"

"I'm in love with you," Josh shouted. "Is it wrong for me to want you to feel the same?" When Tyler was silent, Josh added, "I could keep on like this if I knew you were in love with me, too, but you're not...." Josh started crying and put his head in his hands. Tyler had no idea what to fucking say, so he said nothing. He just put his hand lightly on his back and rubbed circles. Tyler did love him, he thought, but he wasn't sure. How could he know? He'd never loved anyone before. How was it supposed to feel? He always imagined it was pure bliss, but Tyler had only ever received that from one thing at this point. 

After a moment just sitting there, the two got dressed in silence and Josh left to go home. They didn't kiss or hug goodbye, not even a touch. Tyler shut the door desperate for Josh's touch. He went into the bathroom pointlessly because Tyler knew he'd used the last of his stuff earlier in the week. He pulled out his cell and texted Melissa. Thirty minutes passed without a response and Tyler grew impatient, so he called her. She answered on the fourth ring, "Tyler," she answered quietly. 

"Yeah, I was wondering if we could meet up," he asked. 

There was a long pause before Melissa finally responded. "Sure, but we have to talk." 

What the hell was wrong with everyone today? "Alright. My place?" 

Soon after, maybe twenty minutes, Melissa knocked at his door. When he opened, he saw sweats, a t-shirt and tear stained cheeks. What the hell happened? "Come in," he offered softly, and she did. He shut the door and joined her on the couch, keeping distance but within arms reach. "What's going on Issa?" Her nickname, not his, but he'd grown to like it. 

"I couldn't get ahold of any glass," she breathed as she reached into her purse. "But I got ahold of Dane who gave me this." He took the item she offered to him. A jumbled up baggy containing three pills. "You might only want to start with a half of one. They're pretty strong and you've lost weight."

"What is it," Tyler asked. They didn't look like anything he'd taken before. 

"Morphine," she answered with a sniffle. Tyler took one out and split it, swallowing it with a gulp of soda next to him. "I'm pregnant."

If he hadn't already swallowed what was in his mouth, he'd have spit or choked. He looked up at Melissa as she continued to cry. All Tyler could do was stare at her, deer in headlights all over again. "Who's the-"

"Why would I tell you if you weren't," she snapped. 

"Well I can't be the only guy you've fucked in recent weeks," Tyler countered. 

Melissa looked hurt, but more than anything looked pissed. "Fuck you, asshole. You're also the only one who didn't use a fucking condom." 

"You said you were on birth control." 

"It hadn't started working, yet," she admitted quietly. Tyler stayed quiet as he absorbed what she was saying. "It was that night with Dane when we first met. I was scared and," she paused to try and collect herself. "And I thought that you seemed nice enough, but I didn't think I'd keep seeing you...."

"Wait," he said as he breathed. "Are you saying you got pregnant on purpose?" 

She nodded, "Tyler, I'm sorry." She started crying hard and pleading apologies, but Tyler didn't hear it. He was trying so hard to contain his anger. 

"What the fuck do you want from me," Tyler yelled.

"I-I didn't think I'd k-eep see-ing y-you," she cried. "B-but you kept co-coming back and I-I think I love you." 

Tyler stayed silent as she continued to cry. He didn't want this. If he wanted a relationship, it would be with Josh, but he didn't. Let alone a kid. "I can't do this," he said under his breath. She got quiet, wanting to hear what he'd said. Tyler didn't repeat himself, he gave her water and said he needed time to think. With that she left. His high was kicking in, but it wasn't enough, so he took the rest of the bag. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do any of this.... It didn't matter. Not anymore. His chest was light and no longer ached, though he realized very soon he needed to lay down. When he opened his eyes, he realized he was in the bathroom. How the fuck did he get here? 

He pulled out his phone. He felt great:

**Tyler: i tgink i llov÷ u 2. if u syikl hav ur key cum ovr**

Tyler couldn't feel anything, nothing. He swore he was hearing noise in the living room, but couldn't tell. There was a voice, though Tyler couldn't see. It didn't worry him too much, his eyes were probably closed. "Tyler?" The voice was distant and grew further away with each syllable, he couldn't quite reach it after the question. His vision was so blurry there was no way in hell he could identify who the shape in front of him was. His head moved to the side over and over, but he wasn't moving it. If he concentrated then he could feel a quick intermittent pressure hitting his cheek, he heard it more than anything, but -- like the voice -- the noise was far away. It felt like it took him a while to come to the conclusion that who ever was in front of him had begun slapping his cheek. Tyler wanted them to stop. He wanted to sleep now. He was getting really dizzy, well, even more so. "BREATHE DAMN IT!" The voice broke through the space towards him and he took a breath. His vision began clearing away the black spots, but he couldn't feel himself breathe. "TYLER!" The voice broke through, again, this time clearing away the blur for just a minute. Blue hair, brown eyes... Josh. He wasn't going to let Tyler be gone, even if that's all Tyler wanted. Why couldn't Josh just let him? Tyler was ready. His vision was blurry, again, and his face was moving once more. The voice, Josh's voice, was growing distant to the point of nonsense. He opened his eyes when he realized his face moved  _far_ this time and the blur moved, or did he? Things were dark, he reminded himself to breathe, which made him "feel" better, but did nothing to remove the darkness. Any noise was so distant now that it was nearly silent. Tyler welcomed it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A week in between updates seems to be what I'm runnin at with this. Could change depending on how busy I get this month.


	4. Secrets Never Stay Buried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets were never meant to be kept, at least not these ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's been a good minute since I posted a new chapt. :( 
> 
> ...so many tears, so much... WRITING MATERIAL!!!
> 
> This one gets a little graphic(ish), so yeah.

First thing Tyler noticed was that he felt his lungs again. He knew he was breathing but he also felt how heavy his chest was, making every breath labored and shallow. Little spirts of air filled his nostrils and assisted his weighted lungs. He felt his fingers next and the soft fabric below them on one, the other he felt.. someone? Tyler put forth his effort to open his eyes that were still so blurry he could barely make out shapes. There was definitely a body shape next to him. Red hat, blue hair, black shirt... Josh. Josh had come for him and apparently stayed. No one had ever done that before. Not even his own mother. Josh was his light, he always was, ever since that first night he lit something in Tyler everyone thought died. Shit. He couldn't lose him. He couldn't. 

Josh, who's head had been resting on Tyler's thigh moved upwards and faced the weaker man. For a moment, they simply stared into each other's eyes, studying the unspoken words sure to flow in the next few minutes. These last looks were full of fear and hurt from Josh. Tyler wasn't sure if his eyes had the energy to convey his emotions or if they looked as far off as his mind felt. "Josh," Tyler started, so weak it was no more than a whisper, "I-I'm sorry...." 

Josh began shaking his head. "Why?"

"I-I love you Josh," Tyler got out before tears threatened to spill over. Josh's face softened and his eyes turned to worry. "I-I fucked up, a-and I don't deserve you. I'm so sorry I fucked up." At this point a few tears were falling. Josh leaned over and held the other in his arms. Tyler just cried like that for a few minutes, it was all he could manage to do. Before this, he really couldn't remember the last time this happened. Feeling Josh around him broke down the walls he'd worked his entire life building and there was no shield to hide behind. This was him. This blurry image of a man no one really knew, not even him. He hated it. 

"I love you, too," Josh replied in a low whisper.  _How could he?_ "Please don't forget that when I ask you these next few questions." Shit. Of course, of fucking course he'd want answers. What did Tyler expect? He couldn't keep living without answering to someone for something. He wished Josh wasn't the only person who deserved  _a lot_ of answers. Tyler wished he'd hurt fifty different people before doing everything he'd already done to Josh. He was sweet and genuine, but more than that he just accepted Tyler for Tyler. Josh never questioned him before. Josh was patient. Patience runs out. "Can I ask you a few things or do you want to wait?"

"If you could get me some water," Tyler said in a low, scratchy voice. "I'll answer anything."

Josh nodded and filled a plastic cup with a straw from the hallway. While he was out, Tyler felt his pulse rise and his blood pressure increase. When he peaked over at the monitor, he'd been right. He heard the door open and Josh held out the cup of water as he pressed a button on Tyler's bed. With Tyler's torso elevated and half a cup of water down the hatch, Josh must've figured Tyler was ready. "How long have you been using?"

"Off and on since high school," Tyler answered without hesitation.

Josh seemed to hold his breath and think for a moment. "What do you use?"

"It depends," Tyler responded apathetically. "To be honest, it almost never matters what it is as long as it gives me what I'm looking for that night."

"Okay," Josh nodded. Tyler was getting nervous about now, though he fully intended to be honest with Josh, he was terrified over what Josh may ask next. Right now, for the first time that he could recall, Tyler was an open book. He'd never felt so vulnerable in his life. "Do you want to stop?"

Tyler froze. No one, not a single person who'd ever discovered this secret had ever asked him this question. Why was Josh being so kind? Didn't he see this filth that caked onto Tyler's soul? How could he offer kindness to someone so weak? Now to the question: Did Tyler actually want to stop? He'd never even given it much thought since crystal came into his life. Tyler only ever thought about how to work his next fix into the weekly budget. At this point, with how god awful fucking sober he felt: Yeah, maybe. The longer this sobriety continues, these feelings are returning. It's a little refreshing and overwhelming at the same time. "I-I'm not... sure?" Josh blinked. "I w-want to, I just don't know if I can handle that."

"Why's that," Josh asked, genuinely curious.

Tyler shook his head. Time to come out with it, "I know I'll have to go back on medication."

Josh furrowed his eyebrows, about to ask another question when the door opened and a white coat entered. Tyler fucking hated doctors. The man's hair was solid white, save dark grey highlighting his facial hair. The doctor's beard was neatly trimmed, underneath his coat was an expensive button up and tie, obviously from some special brand shit that Tyler knew little to nothing about. The name inscribed in the coat read, 'Doctor David D. Frazier; MD.', "Hello, Mr. Joseph," he started in a fake upbeat voice, "I'm Dr. Frazier and I'm here for a couple of reasons. No, I am not your treating physician, that would be Dr. Christianson. I should say that she asked I come visit you and give you a full psychiatric evaluation and an update on the current treatment you've been receiving." 

Josh began to stand up to leave but held Tyler's hand as long as he could. As soon as the door shut behind him, Tyler spoke, "So much for fucking HIPPA, you goddamn asshole. Couldn't wait until he left the room?" 

"I'm very sorry for that, Mr. Joseph," he said simply as he sat in the chair Josh had been in. "According to your file it's been a while since your last visit to a psychiatrist. May I ask how you've been getting your medication?" Tyler stayed silent, not caring to say a word. This bastard had no right to fucking ask him a damn thing. "You have a habit of getting overwhelmed, don't you, Tyler?" Apparently getting straight to the point. "You get overwhelmed and tend to take extreme action to stop the feeling. I'd imagine you get that way quite often from nightmares, possibly? Tyler's breath caught in his chest, his limbs began to tingle as his heartrate increased. The monitor began to beep every five or six seconds to alert for the BPM increasing over 98. He hadn't realized he was clenching his fists as tight as he was until he lowered his gaze to them. "Did something happen to you, Tyler?" 

"Who the fuck do you think you are," Tyler asked loudly, the beeping becoming slightly more rapid. "What fucking right do you have to ask me that?!" Dr. Frazier put his hands up, apologizing but Tyler didn't hear it, he only heard the sound of a power drill. He smelt oil and metal. He felt the heat-

"Ty, come on." Josh? "Come on, baby. Come back to me, come back to me, baby," he heard the man plea. The room came back into view, Josh's face was close to his and he felt the man's hands on either side of his face. "There he is," Josh's lips turned upward a moment, he had been crying... why had he been crying? What happened to him? Josh put his forehead against Tyler's, almost instantly bringing down his heart rate and breathing. "God," Josh breathed. "Baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't know." 

"What?" Tyler was so confused, what just happened? He remembered the doctor bringing some stuff up and then.... Oh, shit. He must've had a, well, he didn't know what they were. He did know that he had one at work, in front of Jenna, before. According to her, it was terrifying but also heartbreaking, and that was all she'd say. Any time Tyler had one alone, he'd wake up to broken shit or something bloody knuckles from punching something. Sometimes he was crying, sometimes he was panting. The amount of clothes he'd wake up wearing varied depending on the particular situation. Tyler had always noticed these things but wanted so badly to deny what they had meant. This couldn't be him, it just couldn't.

"That- that, you, uh," Josh stumbled over himself. He looked confused right back at Tyler's ignorance to his comment. Like, he was trying to find the right words to explain what he knew, probably coming to the conclusion that the younger had little knowledge to predict what Josh would say. "You just, um... it looked like, well-"

"Say it," Tyler interrupted in a small voice.

Josh sighed. "It looked like a, uh, flashback," he said finally. "Like, like I get, some-sometimes," he added quickly. That's when Tyler felt his own face mirror Josh's expression of sympathy, empathy, and pain for the other. "They were gonna shoot you up with Haldol if I couldn't calm you down, the doctor went to get an orderly or nurse."

"I don't want the meds, Josh," Tyler began to cry again. Josh shushed him, combing Tyler's short hair with his fingers. When the nurses arrived Josh shielded Tyler away from their chaotic advance. Once the situation was deescalated, he went back to hold Tyler until the panic attacks subsided and the weaker man fell asleep. 

 

 Once Tyler had finally submitted to doing his psychiatric evaluation he was asked whether or not he'd be open to going to an inpatient behavioral health facility. He turned it down, against their advice, finished up his fluids, had some dinner and they were out that night. Josh was driving them back to Tyler's place, the car's radio's volume was low, and the two men said absolutely nothing the entire ride. Josh glanced over from time to time while Tyler simply stared out ahead, refusing to say a word in response to the silence. In truth, Tyler wasn't up for talking, the talking got a little too real before and he wasn't in the mood to continue on with it. Of course, the world wouldn't offer the same kindness once they were outside Tyler's complex. Once the passenger door was shut, Tyler heard her scream his name. Tyler's head shot up to see Melissa running down the stairs from his apartment door. _Not like this_ , he pleaded with the world. He didn't want Josh to find out this way. "Joseph," she shouted once she was closer and in the parking lot. Without missing a beat, the moment she was within arms reach her hands went up to Tyler's jaw and cheek. As much as it hurt his pride to admit it, she actually kinda dazed him for a moment there. Tyler shook his head and caught her wrists, she began kicking and Tyler twisted her around into a kind of sleeper hold and armbar. He guided her to her knees whispering to calm down and that they could talk about this. Josh watched from the front of his vehicle with wide eyes. Melissa began crying in Tyler's hold and gave up the fight, she kept repeating that she loved him. She kept repeating that it all had meant something. And then she said it, "I want our baby to have a father." Tyler shut his eyes and held her against his chest, the only thing he could do to comfort her - the only thing to ground himself when he saw the look of betrayal contort Josh's face into disgust. It took only a second of locking eyes for the remains of Tyler's heart to shatter and for any trust left to break. Josh stormed back into his car, the tires squealed and the engine roared into the distance. Tyler held Melissa, one arm over her chest, the other protectively around her stomach. He hadn't realized he'd done it, but he had. There was a bump there, a pretty obvious one now that he really felt it. What the fuck was he going to do?

Tyler guided Melissa, who still hadn't quit crying, into his apartment and had her lay on the couch. With a pillow under her head and a blanket covering her shivering body, she fell asleep. Tyler began panicking again, his hands shook and his knees felt weak. Out of habit, he went into the kitchen and grabbed the nearest beer in the fridge door. With half of the can's contents gone, Tyler began to feel himself relax again, and he finished the can for good measure. He felt calm again and considered getting another, but opted to stay lucid so he would be able to calmly talk to Melissa. Tyler was fully aware that he put himself in this situation, it didn't make him any less pissed at the mother of his unborn baby in the living room for showing up like she did. In one fell swoop, she just cast Josh out of his life for what could be forever. With that, Tyler walked into the living room and gently pushed on Melissa's shoulder. She jolted upwards at first before she realized who it was in front of her. Tyler gave a small smile out of empathy and then took her hand in his, "It's okay. You're okay. You just gotta talk to me, Issa." 

Melissa teared up and nodded. "I can't raise this baby alone and my nana won't take me in without us being married. Tyler, I don't know what to do. My family won't help me. No one will help me." Tyler took a breath. "I didn't mean to show up like that on you. I was a little strung out-"

"You've been using?" 

"Haven't you?" She had a point, then again she was carrying a damn baby. "That's also why I'm here. I want to quit. Everything. All of it, it's not good for a baby, but... but, Dane won't l-let me go that easy," she barely finished before she began crying again. Tyler held her for a while, combing her hair like Josh had done for him. 

"I'll get you into a facility. You'll be safe and clean for thirty days and then we can figure things out from there," Tyler said immediately. He had a savings, he'd kept it and had added to it over the past four months. After a settlement and inheritance from his grandmother, he had more than enough to support four solid years of college. He could dive into that to get her and the baby help. He had that responsibility now, and it wasn't like he was ever actually going to go back to school. "You can stay here until I can find it, but you'll be checked in within a week if I have anything to say about it." 

"Does this mean we'll be together when I'm clean," she asked. Tyler didn't want to be motivation but he knew she was a hair trigger.

Screw it, he'll pull it now. "I'm sorry, Melissa, but I don't think we should be together. I do want to help and I do want to be the baby's father. I will be here for you and I will support you, but I love someone else." Her eyes were closed and her fingers began forming a fist in the blanket. "I'm sorry, but I can't lie to you about this. It isn't fair."

"We have to be married," she cried. "My family will never accept me." 

"We'll figure that out, let's get you clean first," Tyler encouraged. He didn't know what to do here, he had no clue. Should he just marry her, knowing full well he'd probably never be invested in the relationship. Knowing without a doubt that he'd always see Josh's smile when he thought of the idea of love. Would Josh ever take him back after this? If he did, could Tyler just hurt someone like that? Tyler looked into her eyes, "I'm going with you. We'll get clean and then we'll figure all of this out." He meant it, he needed to get clean, he needed to get help. For his baby, for Josh, for Melissa and really so he'd have any chance in hell of being a father. 

Melissa smiled and nodded. "Okay, okay, but I gotta tell you-" Knocking interrupted the sentence. It started calm and then grew louder. "It's Dane."

"What," Tyler asked. He stood to answer the door.

"No," Melissa shouted. "Please don't, he wants our baby aborted. Please, Tyler, pl-"

"I HEAR YOU, BITCH!" That was definitely Dane. Tyler went over to Melissa and ushered her into the bedroom in the back. When he heard her lock the door behind him, he walked down the hallway towards the banging at the door. 

"DANE," Tyler shouted over it as he approached the door. "Calm the fuck down, dude, let's talk!" 

"Let me the fuck in there, Joseph, before I let myself in," he warned. Tyler heard the cock of a shotgun and swiftly moved to the side of the door. His back hit the wall when the buckshot blew through his deadbolt and his door swung open. Dane kicked it open the rest of the way, cocked the shotgun and stepped forward. That's when Tyler made his move. He grabbed the barrel and moved it upward. The shot went off in his ears, all he could hear was ringing and muffled sounds of the fight before him. One hand around the gun, the other around Dane's throat. Tyler forced him backwards. Dane shoved Tyler to the side and Tyler pulled him along. Tyler felt his stomach in his throat during the fall and then it caught in his chest once it connected with the cement steps below. It blocked his breath until his hip soon impacted as well and he let out a yelp. His head his the cement sidewalk below, Dane falling right next to him. Dazed and still unable to hear quite right, he crawled on top of Dane and threw down a fist to the man's cheekbone, splitting it open on impact. Dane's nose was already bleeding before Tyler laid into it and bent it in a way it never should've bent. Tyler attacked the other eye that was swelled by the time Tyler felt Melissa pulling on his shoulders begging him to stop. Dane's face was covered in crimson, he began coughing when he inhaled his own blood. Tyler moved off him but couldn't quit staring at what he'd done. He'd never been violent. Never in the slightest, not like this. What had he done? He moved to grab the gun and ran up to his apartment. He grabbed his phone, wallet and keys. They took off on foot. By the time they were crossing the street, there were people around with phones to their ears or taking pictures. Tyler was so fucked. 

 

Tyler: whats your address?

Josh: Why?

Tyler: need somewherw to go.

Josh: Why?

Tyler: Ncan't be home 

Tyler: i have melissa with me

Josh: wft?

Tyler: need a safe place

Josh: You can't come over

Tyler: y?

Josh: Just meet me at the motel on 8th/Broadway

Tyler: b thr in 15min

 

Josh continued to stare at his phone for a few minutes. How was he going to explain this? He could say his mom needed him to help her move something. It'd start a fight but it was believable. Tyler wouldn't be texting him right now unless it was actually life or death, Josh wasn't stupid. He'd just have to accept the fight. "Babe," he shouted from his chair as he stood up. He walked toward the kitchen where Randy had been cooking fajitas. "My mom needs me real fast to move another shelf, I'll be, like, twenty minutes tops," Josh said quickly. Randy quit cooking. Quit moving entirely actually. Josh tensed, knowing he'd made him angry, he praying Randy hadn't been drinking. "Please, baby, I'll be real quick. You know my mom, she'll do it herself if I don't and she still has a busted knee." 

Randy whirled on Josh, grabbing his shoulder so tight it hurt and would likely bruise. "Hurry," Randy said, pointing the wooden spoon in Josh's face. His eyes pierced into Josh's, searching for the lie and seeing it fully, he's just playing with him. Randy grew a wicked smile, "I'd hate for it to ruin our dinner." He forced a kiss on Josh's lips, which Josh returned so he wouldn't anger the other any more than he had already. "See you soon." He let go and turned to cook as if nothing had happened. Josh didn't miss a second and practically ran out of the kitchen to his keys and out the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for such a late update on this, 'twas not intentional.
> 
> If you're still reading, thanks for hanging in.


	5. Tell Me You Love Me, Maybe Once When You're Sober

They'd stopped by an ATM on the way to the hotel, Tyler paid for the room with cash and gave a little extra to keep everything off the books entirely. He didn't let Melissa see how much he'd pulled out, he knew himself and how he had been when his addiction ran rampant, no temptation needed to be added to the stress of the current situation. Tyler texted Josh the room number they were in and didn't leave knowing full well he likely had an APB out on him. He had no doubt he'd face the music for Dane soon, but he needed to see Josh first. He had to make all of this right. Tyler had to. It was stupid, knowing he'd probably be in jail soon and was basically going to be the guy saying, 'wait for me', but he couldn't leave things on these terms. It'd probably drive him crazy until he'd be able to see Josh again if he left things in shambles. He couldn't stop pacing in the space between the two twin beds and the tv/dresser. Melissa sat facing the door at the bed furthest away from the window, obviously still very shook up. Tyler hadn't been much for comfort, being on too high of alert with adrenaline still pumping. Truth was, it wasn't just police he was worried about. Dane knew people, fuck, Dane  _had_ people. It was really just a matter of who got to him first. If Dane's guys got to him, he was likely a dead man. If the cops got to him, he'd go to jail and could easily become a dead man. Outside of a few overnighters, Tyler hadn't really ever been locked up before. As a teenager, he should've been but the officer made the decision to take him to psychiatric instead. He had a counselor for four weeks because it was mandatory by the state. Tyler would've had more but his biological dad bailed him out the moment he could. However, by that point it had been too late, his father's prodigal son was doomed with a diagnosis of a mental illness. Tyler was then essentially disowned by his "father", only hearing from him through text on his birthday, and phone calls on Christmas and Father's day - which Tyler always thought was rich. Someone in rehab once compared their situation to jail. Very similar but with a nicer bed, slightly more privacy and snacks. Looking back on all of the freedoms he'd had taken from him for those thirty days, Tyler hated the thought of it being any worse. Life had been going too well, hadn't it? He was truly, undeniably cursed. Tyler could live with that if life allowed him Josh. Tyler's phone buzzed and caught his attention enough to quit pacing. 

**Josh: There in 5**

Tyler felt himself breathe for the first time since he'd booked it from the scene back at his apartment. If nothing else, he was certainly evicted and going to be homeless. That seemed more like he actually deserved. He always had his car, anyway, so he wouldn't be entirely without shelter.  _Fuck!_ Tyler willed his mind to quit thinking, just for a moment, he needed to quit panicking before Josh showed up. Tyler moved to the bathroom and began washing his hands. He'd already done so at the gas station with the ATM, but he needed to do it again. His hands weren't clean. He just couldn't get his hands clean. When he walked back into the room, Melissa was laying down, seemingly passed out. Probably for the best, Tyler thought to himself. _You're such a fuck up, Tyler. You've always been a fuck up, and you fucked up **bad** this time._

"It's just an assault charge. 90 days, tops. He's fine, Dane is fine." _Isn't this a sign you should slit your fucking wrists, Tyler?_ "He's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine." _Do it._ Tyler shook his head harshly from side to side. "No reason to overreact. Just turn myself in. Just gotta turn myself in after I see Josh." _Do it you little bitch._ Tyler took a breath, shaking his head a little more, he just needed quiet. _Fucking pussy._ He put his hand around his neck, rubbing it profusely. _Maybe your faggot boyfriend will come save the day, fuck knows he's more man than you'll ever be._

"Shut the fuck up!" Melissa lifted her head at that, a look of concern written all over her face. That's when the knocking started. They both jumped but then Tyler held a finger up to his lips, encouraging her to be quiet. He walked over to the window and saw Josh's blue and white snapback. The relief was brief, though, impeded by the memory of Josh's face earlier. What could Tyler say to him? What could he do to make things right with everyone he'd screwed over? Josh knocked again, "It's okay, it's just Josh," he said calmly, suddenly capable of being stoic in the face of what was happening. It was bullshit, he was terrified, but he'd always been good at this. Turning the doorknob and unhinging the door's chain-lock, he took a breath and allowed himself to believe his lie. That he was fine. That he was okay. That everyone else needed him more than he needed them. "Hey," he said, before actually seeing Josh who stepped through almost immediately. His anxiety must've been up, Tyler noted, his hands were trembling and his jaw was clenching and unclenching rapidly. It stayed clenched the moment Melissa met his gaze. Josh's knuckles were white now, "Josh, I'm-" 

A fist came at his cheek, almost in slow motion, but Tyler made no move to actually defend or deflect the blow. The impact was hard enough to knock Tyler into the door, slamming it shut behind him. "What the fuck is this?!" He was shouting, fuck, Tyler hated his shouting. He'd never done it around him before Tyler screwed everything up. This sweet and gentle man was infected by him. Tyler was a disease to his life. Tyler pushed against the door to stand straight, Josh pushed him back, forcing Tyler to stumble into the door again. Then Josh slapped him, Tyler did nothing. Josh took Tyler's shirt in his fist, that when Tyler noticed Josh was crying. Those deep brown eyes were puffy and bloodshot. "I-I thought you loved me...." Josh began crying, his head now against Tyler's chest.

Tyler hesitantly put his arms around him, saying, "I love you so much it can't be healthy, Joshua." Josh raised his tear soaked face to meet Tyler's. "I'm so goddamn sorry I've done this to you." He blinked back his own tears as best as he could. When a few fell over anyway, Josh let go of Tyler's shirt and threw his arms over Tyler's shoulders. Josh held onto him so tightly, as if it was the only thing holding him together.  _Don't forget, Tyler._ "Josh, we should go talk." Melissa had been staring at them, she was staring down Tyler with pure shock at what was unfolding. Josh let go and nodded, allowing Tyler to lead him out of the now way-too-small room. They stayed out on the second floor balcony outside of the room, Tyler glanced around checking for any patrol cars or one of Dane's guys. Once it all looked clear, he stood so he could see the street and parking lot, keeping Josh's back to it. Josh had no idea what was going on, so he wouldn't even be looking in the first place. "Okay, so first off, I owe you an explanation for everything. So, the chick in there is Melissa, I'd been hitting her up for crystal off and on, lately. We had been having sex sometimes, too, since you and I weren't official or anything. I'm sorry I was never upfront about my intentions with you right off the bat. To be honest, I didn't even know what I was doing after the first hook-up. I liked you too much to be a one-night stand, but my head's so fucked up that I could never be any good for you. Then, I figured out I loved you. I figured out I loved you when Melissa told me she was pregnant." Josh's eyes that had been lowered shot up when Tyler said that last part. "When she told me, I just wanted you. I just, somehow, wanted it to be you I was having a surprise baby with." When he was done with that, Josh looked down at his feet. 

"Thanks for not lying," he said in a low voice. He looked like he was contemplating over something, Tyler could only imagine what that may be, he'd given so much information. Josh took a deep breath, his hands began trembling a bit, again. "I-I have to tell you something, too." Tyler tensed a bit when Josh said that and couldn't keep the look of confusion off his face for Josh to see so clearly. "Y-you aren't the only one who was seeing someone else." Josh stopped to steady his breath, again, and a part of Tyler wanted to slap him for it to know more but the thought of hurting Josh just made him hang his head. Tyler took a noticeable breath and allowed himself to bury the anger brewing in him. He had no right to feel it, and yet, he did. Maybe it wasn't anger, but jealousy. More than that, he wanted to be the only one Josh cared for like that, he thought selfishly. Josh was looking Tyler in the eye now, guilt radiating off him, a feeling he shouldn't feel. "I'm sorry, Tyler. H-he's my fiancé and I-"

Shouting from the parking lot interrupted Josh's sentence. Tyler had been so lost in the conversation he hadn't seen Dominic, Dane's older brother, and his body Buck slowly approaching the staircase twenty yards ahead. "JOSHEPH! LETS TALK!" Shit. Tyler started backing up on instinct.

"Tyler," Josh said next to him, looking anxious and confused between the men and Tyler. "What's going on?"

"Boyfriend didn't tell you?" Dominic was almost midway up the steps now, Buck a step behind him. "He fucked up. He fucked up bad," he answered. "Now he's gotta answer for it." Josh was starting to step defensively in the way but Tyler held his bicep. 

When Josh's eyes met Tyler's, they were already pleading. "Go into the room," Tyler said handing Josh the keycard. "Please protect Melissa. They're trying to kill the baby," he whispered. Josh almost protested but the look Tyler shot him seemed to make him suppress it. Josh nodded and went into the room. Tyler kept his full attention on the other two who'd stayed stopped at the top of the stairs, just watching. Tyler dared them to come near Josh, almost begged for it so he'd have the ability to maybe survive this. The men didn't make a move toward the man he loved, though, and Tyler couldn't help but be grateful for that. At least Josh wouldn't be hurt. 

Once Josh was safely inside, Tyler put on his façade again, acting way braver than he felt, but didn't he? There were two people in that room who he couldn't allow to be hurt because of him. It just couldn't happen. "So, Joseph," Dominic started. He was bigger than Dane, who stood an inch shorter than Tyler, and was pretty bulky. Buck, on the other hand, was a tank in human form. Standing a whole head taller than Dominic with an even more impressive physic. There was no way Tyler could win this, even against Dominic alone he'd be screwed. If he didn't win, that'd mean -- at the very least -- Josh and Melissa would have to watch him get beat to death. Something told Tyler he couldn't rely on the best outcome, though. He was sure that as soon as they were done with Tyler, they'd move to get into the room. If Tyler outran them, like he knew he could, they'd come back for Josh and Melissa. Tyler voted for the third option of leading them away about a block or two to give the others a minute. Tyler began back peddling, slowly. "You think you can almost beat my brother to death and not answer for it? Don't try to run, you little bitch." 

Tyler put his hands up and took another step backwards. "We can talk this out, can't we? He attacked me, with  _a fucking gun_. What was I supposed to do?"

"Not knock up the bitch in the first place," he answered simply. 

"What does that matter to you? Why not just let her out?"

Dominic let out a low chuckle. "Bitch is in debt. She ain't out until it's cleared. So, she can either get rid of the baby, or I can sell the little bastard after she's had him to some rich couple or child labor ring. Which ever pays better," he said with a shrug. Tyler felt rage in his chest and fear in his gut. He had to get Melissa safe. 

"How much debt?" Tyler had let it out before he could stop himself. "What if I can cover it?"

Dominic looked at Buck who shrugged his shoulders. "She's in over a grand."

Without hesitation, Tyler pulled the wad of cash from his pocket. "Here's two. One for her and the baby, the other for Dane's face." Tyler had to add some kind of insult to injury there, didn't he? 

Dominic chuckled again. "Yeah, Joseph, I'll take the money. I'll also need some blood to take back and you know that." They started walking forward. 

"Okay, okay," Tyler panicked. They stopped. "Just... just not here," Tyler said. His eyes moving from the hotel window, where Josh was peaking out, to the men. They seemed to understand and Dominic nodded. "Alright." Tyler threw the wad to Dominic as he walked toward him and the bigger man. Soon he was leading them down to the parking lot and around the building. He could've sworn he'd heard Josh and Melissa shouting at each other, but no one was following; thankfully. 

"This is far enough," Dominic said when they were at the back of the building. Along the back was a half-mile wide wooded area that Tyler was semi-familiar with. He was hoping they'd at least let him get there first. "You know I can't take it easy on you just because of the money. That's for your screw up when you couldn't bag it. You get a beating for a beating, and my brother's in the hospital." 

Tyler nodded. "Wouldn't expect any less." 

 

It had been almost ten minutes and Tyler hadn't come back, yet. Melissa promised they wouldn't kill him but any beating that took longer than two minutes could probably kill a person. At least, that always seemed to be Josh's limit. When Melissa was throwing up in the bathroom, Josh snuck out of the room and almost ran down the steps. He'd seen them walk around the building, so he just went the same way. He should've never let Melissa talk him out of defending Tyler, or let Tyler do the same. Why didn't Josh just have a spine to face people and do what he thought was probably right. Then again, he never really knew what right meant, at least not until that first night with Tyler. He saw no one, initially, when he turned the corner. The three men were gone, no the two men were gone and Tyler was crawling toward the tree line, a spotty trail of blood following him from the asphalt to the grass. "Tyler," he breathed and the ran to the other. This time Josh shouted his name, Tyler stopped crawling with his right arm. His left had been tucked under his abdomen. Josh reached out for him but stopped himself and fell to his knees. Could he even touch him without causing him pain? "Tyler, are you- are you-"

Tyler flipped his body over with his right arm, his body leaning against Josh's legs. The side Josh could see of Tyler's face already had a bruise forming under his eye and there was blood streaked across his cheek. "Please, let me look at you," Josh asked. When Tyler finally allowed Josh to lower his side to have him on his back, Josh gasped. Tyler's nose was broken and bleeding still, but his face was otherwise fine -- except for what he'd already noticed. Josh's eyes trailed down Tyler's body taking note of how torn his shirt was, having scratches and cuts in several places. When he finally saw his wrist, Josh almost puked right there. It looked as if someone had stomped on his hand with a boot -- after or before maybe even during -- breaking his wrist somehow. It looked pretty twisted. Underneath Tyler's cut, bruised and broken hand his shirt was soaked in red. Josh asked him to move it out of the way if he could, Tyler hesitated but listened to the man above him. Tyler had definitely been stabbed and it was bleeding a bit, but not badly. "It's bleeding internally, Tyler, I have to call an ambulance." Josh pulled out his phone and did just that. Once the sirens were in range, Tyler had begun to panic at the thought of the authorities sure to be with them. Josh held him in his lap, reassuring him that he'd be okay, things would work out. When they finally found them, Tyler was quickly evaluated and put on the stretcher. Josh couldn't help but think that they were believing the same as Josh. The cops were there and were requesting Josh give a statement. He told them he had no statement to give and he had to leave. Once in the car, Josh's phone began ringing. It was Randy. Josh began crying as he pulled out of the parking lot. He couldn't answer it.


End file.
